Lots of things have happened in the period since I last wrote to you. Some experiences over the festive season were positive, some negative, mostly neutral. But one thing many of these experiences have in common is a level of constant stress tempered by wholesome human interaction. I was blessed to spend time comfortably in the company of my nearest and dearest family (chosen and biological), and our conversations brought warm brightness to a decently dark time.
This is what today’s post is inspired by: an unsatisfying response to the revelation of some life news, a heart-to-hearth chat crouched around a fire, and a message read at 11pm on a school night alone in my bed. The feelings elicited from these conversations have been weighing on my mind. The lowness, the highness, the uncertain trepidation. All normal things to feel as I officially enter my mid-twenties. Capricorn season has well and truly welcomed in my 24th with full-frontal horns.
… This is all very vague isn’t it? I thought I’d be starting out 2023 by being more direct. Basically I wanted to write something where I explored the notion of empathy; what it is and isn’t, and how I may go about describing such a desired yet often-elusive abstract noun. I’ve made an attempt to put thought to paper as 2023 emerges out of a chrysalis of possibility. Given the state of the world, I think empathy has never been more needed in my life on a micro or macro level.
So what is empathy, I ask myself? Surely if I want to go about being more empathetic as the year progresses I need to first define the term (I am if nothing else an ***academic***). Well, to me, it has more definitions than many. But I shall try and describe how I see things:
Empathy is knowing yourself. Knowing your strengths and limitations. When you can be there. When you can’t. When you’re not in the right headspace to say something, so you pop in a boundary and a few words letting your support-seeker know why you can’t be on their level right now. Empathy is wanting to be the best version of yourself when having a difficult conversation. This self-awareness is important. But it also I think has to potential to slip, virtue-vice-scale-like, into the realms of self-absorption, of coldness, of not understanding the needs of others. I notice perfectionists or those who value ‘rationality’ above other methods of intellectual engagement seem to revolve their empathy around the ability to assert boundaries. Which is why I also believe that-
Empathy is knowing that you don’t always need to be the best version of yourself, or in a space where you can give someone else all your attention. Sometimes you just need to be there.
Empathy is knowing another. Knowing what the people around you might need. Making an effort over a long period of time to understand how they communicate with the world around them. Will they ever ask for help explicitly? Or is their mental state at a point where they can only hint at their own drowning state? So it's also important to realise that-
Empathy is becoming the space between yourself and another person, finding the hidden meanings between your words and theirs. Just because they haven't said explicitly what the problem is doesn't mean it hasn't been communicated. Remember to check your understanding by repeating their words back. We are all messy creatures who take different meanings from the words we hear, so don't beat yourself up if this takes practice. Remember that another's inner monologue may be leagues away from your own. But that doesn't mean you can't climb across to their level. In other words:
Empathy is listening. Like REALLY listening. Not assuming, or inserting your own experience into their narrative, but simply taking care to take things in,
Empathy is not to be over-thought, though. It is not rule-bound or systematic. You cannot quantify it down. Empathy is often common sense. It is always imperfect, constantly growing between individuals as their connections develop. It is a knowing thing.
Empathy is imagination. The capacity to utilize your theory of mind and immerse yourself in a reality you may not have experienced. It is not a matter of 'What would I do, think, want?'. It is an asking of oneself what another person may be feeling, given the contextual knowledge you've accrued through their actions and what they've told you about themselves. The ability to look outside myself more is definitely something I wish to improve throughout this year. But I feel I've also got a headstart on this one, given that:
Empathy is also experience. I have always loved those fictional characters capable of intense empathy (Anne of Green Gables immediately springs to mind here). Individuals who have suffered, but who have found strength through said suffering. They emanate kindness and patience until the entire world glows. I’m struggling to write a post right now about body image and New Years' diet trends that will hopefully come out soon. But writing that alongside this post simultaneously (yes, I know it’s not best writing practice, obviously), has let me realise some things. For example, I'm certain that the ‘sweet chubby girl‘ trope is probably a thing due to the fact that nothing will make a person more unwilling to inflict pain on others than knowing said pain with excruciating intimacy. Personal anecdotes aside, the more life experience a person has, I believe the more capable they become of empathizing with another. Which is all the more excuse to welcome every new experience, even the horrible ones, with an open heart.
Empathy is one big thing. The most important thing in the world, I would argue. But.
Empathy is also the little things. No sweeping statements or grand gestures. A quiet hug, remembering to call. Writing little notes now and again to let that special someone know they're on your mind. Opening up to let them know it's fine to do so as well. Watching your language and actions to make sure you are a safe person to be around. Making an effort in any way you can. Apologizing when you can't, but actually aligning your actions with your morals and trying to be better next time. Allocating time to just think about people, if you can't do it naturally. Or even if you can. I find making sure you leave time to be mindful about your friends and family is a sure-fire way to re-centre yourself as their supporter.
For certain people: Empathy is texting me back. Sorry, that was petty. But please let me be human for a second.
Empathy is connection. And you know I'm a simp for that sort of thing.
I am in no way an expert on this, but I hope my musings prompt some thoughts of your own for the new year. Now go and call your friends. Say you adore them in long-winded detail. It will make you feel good, and they will feel even better.
All my stars,
Char xxx
I hope your 2023 is as happy as this photo
If any of mine are reading this - know that I love you, and will do until all life is gone from the universe. I am forever grateful to be in your 2023.
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