A dear friend of mine mentioned recently that people who are sure of themselves exude an aura of certainty, and that is where this unknowable thing we call ‘attraction’ takes root.
I’m not sure if I agree with this a hundred percent - I know plenty of people who enter or remain in relationships due to a sense of duty or insecurity, or a grand fear of what they could be without the declared love of another person. I too was once guilty of this. Nor can I agree that any aura of self-assuredness provides universal groundwork for a stable relationship.
If anything I think that your twenties are a particularly difficult patch in the great field of love. Some of us have been overturned, mucked about, had to toil and break ourselves thrice over in order to survive.Life experiences such as death, illness, economic insecurity, abuse, [insert other stressful/traumatic events here as you please] rampage through some lives much earlier than others.
Some people have a puddle of life experiences in comparison - I often find myself jealous of those whose worst problem to date has been a half-messy breakup. It feels like everyone in their twenties is at such different stages of self-knowing. Which means, at least in my experience, those who exude that aforementioned aura unintentionally contribute to feelings of inadequacy in their partners. This leads to the more secure person often feeling least empowered in any emotional turmoil that follows.
Or it means that said secure person is destined for a decade of involuntary independence. Fun fact, did you know the phrase ‘incel’ was originally coined by a woman called Alana on an online forum to describe her frustration at not being seen as a desirable? Ironic, really, when you consider the stereotype most people identify with the monicer today. Not that I identify as an incel or anything, but I can definitely find some semblance of sympathy with Alana’s orginal posts. Often, as a successful, secure, smart woman it can be difficult to navigate the dating world whilst still keeping your heart in a morally sound and kind place. Or at least that’s what those from the outside tell me:
‘I’m glad I met you when I’m 27 and you’re 23, because if I’d been your age I’d have been too intimidated by you’.
‘You’re just so good, it makes me feel I can never catch up’.
‘Thing is Char, you’re marriage material, not someone to fool around with’.
‘I’ve never dated anyone as layered as you before, it's difficult sometimes’.
Are these statements pitiful or empowering? Sentiments meant to be taken as bolstering or damning? They definitely read as a touch misogynistic to me, whatever they are - to say such things of a woman assured of her own character and worth reeks a little of this out-of-date idea that we spend the majority of our lives insecure. As a teacher and friend I feel it is a moral duty of mine to love myself as much as physically possible. But then again... a woman with an ego is bad, isn't she? I forgot, sorry. Back behind the gates until those around me turn on their little signal lights that it’s finally time to treat other humans seriously. Like beings capable of hurt and compassion.
Do not get the wrong end of something here. I am well aware my life is rich with experience, friendship, and familial affection. I have been blessed with opportunity, a warm heart, sharp mind and steel-strength fortitude. I even - get this - love the way I look, and have grown out of worrying for my weight or face, despite what I am encouraged to feel. Most days. But even I am not immune, especially at this time of year, to an onslaught of feeling as if almost everyone but me is happily in love and those who aren’t are failing miserably at being a good human being. I guess that’s just what you get when you mix capitalism and chocolate - a painful fondue of false love.
This feeling became even worse in recent weeks after a rather unceremonious dumping via video call - better than a text, still not decent in any way. I was given weeks to stew on his reasons, his feelings, whether or not the girl he kept posting on social media was at all involved. After that time, and a holiday to Sapporo (great snow city 10/10 would recommend), I managed to write my heart into a message and send it his way. In return, I got a response so flat and unemotional it may as well have been written by AI. No reflection, no sense as to his feelings that weren't just well-crafted responses to mine. My friends say it's sketchy. They say I'm too kind in forgiving him. And chatting to them I just sat there wondering if he ever liked me at all, if anyone could. And then this very old, very trusted little voice in the back of my brain starts buzzing like it often does when I crawl inside myself:
Are you so desperate for love that you would pick at the seams of something until you unravel yourself entirely?
And then my own voice, stronger and kind, responds:
No. I remain complete. The world is wide, and my soul is just as vaste.
On the occasions people message me to say how my blog echoes thoughts and feelings they experience, provides comfort or dialogue, I am struck by what an honourable thing it is to encourage such emotions. Obviously I don’t have delusions of grandeur - This site is but a grain of sand ultimately, but still. I hope by opening my heart I can encourage you to be likewise gentle, or at least know you’re not alone in feelings of loneliness or frustration sometimes.
Whilst in Sapporo I stayed with a good friend of mine, who is treated with respect, care, and adoration by a thoroughly decent and gentle man. We all deserve to be loved as such. If you don’t forget it, I shan’t either. This Valentine’s day I will not cavort romantically with men, women, or any other gender. I shall treat myself to ramen until the universe sees right to give me someone worthy - until then I have the most wonderful company in my friends and myself.
Whatever happens today, do not let them grind you down. You’re so much better than that.
We shall have more creativity hopefully next month! Until then, all my stars,
Char xxx
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